Disclaimer: This story is purely satirical, in honor of April Fool’s Day on April 1. It is not meant to be taken at face value.

Easter is by far my favorite time of the year. I get to eat all of the candy I want as if it is a second Halloween, and give up soda for lent because a prophet starved himself for 40 days.

Easter is honestly the best holiday. There isn’t anything I like more than forcefully getting off of work and going to church and pretending like I care what is going on in order to prevent my parents from descending into total alcoholism.

I honestly do not know why people often do not take this holiday seriously. After all, what better way for Christians to honor Jesus rising from the dead than having an anthropomorphic bunny rabbit running around giving children candy from its eggs. Not only that, but we get to decorate perfectly usable eggs with smelly paint and stickers. So many people only focus on the Christ in Easter and do not focus on what is important: eating an entire ham and chocolate bunnies until you put yourself into a diabetic coma.

After all, kneeling in a pew for three hours really works up an appetite. So when you come home, devouring an entire piece of meat covered in cheesy potatoes might be the only way to keep your sanity.